Monday April 18, 2012
Posted Apr 18, 2011 11:22pm
Sunday and Monday were probably the most emotional thus far. The
fact that my mom is back in with this disease within her has us all
feeling like we have been knocked back down to zero. We are
challenged not only knowing of the disease inside her, but knowing
how much pain she is enduring for this fight.
I sit and I watch needles going into my mothers stomach. Her stomach is bruised from one side to the other as the nurses try to find a spot that is not sore. My mom is so strong its amazing to watch her strength. The shots in her stomach are insulin. The chemo and ancillary drugs she is receiving is causing side effect of her blood sugar rising to high levels. She's also getting Nupigen, another drug, which is part of the strategy in her treatment. Nupigen increases white blood cells, the hope here, the doctors say, is to draw out any hidden leukemia cells. Draw them out so that the chemo will attack them when they show their nasty faces. This is the hope. Normally Nupigen is given after the leukemia is completely gone, to stimulate the increase of white blood cells. its seems contradictory that they would want to do chemo to kill out white cells, but at the same time increase them? doesn't it? But if you think about a war - many times during a war, we do many odd things to draw out the enemy. Even if it means the possibility of danger for the surroundings. This is true with the battle within my mother's body. We want to draw out any hidden or lurking leukemia cells, while she's receiving the chemo, that way they are destroyed before they can continue further growth. I never ever wanted to know this much about the deadly disease of Cancer. But now, I have no choice but to learn to help my mom fight.
My mom is in a very emotional state. Breaking down in tears, "telling us she wants to go home", we hold her and cry with her. But today i had a moment with my mother I will never ever forget for the rest of my life. ... before I start with the story, I will tell you how yesterday ended and how the day began today.
Last night my dad arrived back at the hospital at approximately 7pm. I stayed with my mom all day from 9am until my dad arrived. Me and my mom went for a short walk, we do 1 lap around the nurses station. That's about all I can push out of her. Getting that I'm happy with though. At least I get 1 lap , and it makes me feel good that she is trying so hard for us, for herself... She's so tired, I know that even getting up to get her slippers on is a feat in itself. But she does it, I think just to pacify me, but she does.. so we walk. I hold her IV pole and she walks , slowly ... passing the nurses and smiling. We look at all the art work on the walls and comment on the one's we like and the one's we don't. We passed a calendar with a monarch butterfly on a flower, she mentioned that she liked it... we kept walking. We got near her room and I said "one more lap", she looks at me with her beautiful brown eyes, and gently nods "no, i'm done for today". i said ok, one step at a time mom". We walk into her room, I help her into her bed, and she takes a nap.
When I'm sitting there watching her sleep, I pray for her. I pray for the Lord to give her strength and to take all that she needs from me, to give her strength to fight. Listening to her breath soothes me. The most difficult part of all of this is seeing her cry.. So I try to get her mind off things by putting a movie on . nothing much on cable so I thought ok we will watch a dvd movie. Well the room we are in doesn't have a cd player this time. So I round up the host nurse, and they give us a little portable dvd player. Then my mom picks out the movie of her choice: Breakfast at Tiffany's. My mom loves that movie. So we watched it together. Shortly my dad arrives with Culver shakes :) my mom loves Culvers shakes, strawberry is her favorite. She's was like a little girl in heaven eating her shake. and my dad loves getting them for her. its so cute.
Well, my mom was getting tired and it was time for me to head back to get some rest too, so I go back to my parents that night. I find myself thinking about my mom non-stop. When i'm lying in bed, the thing I can think about is "what am I going to do tomorrow to give her more strength". What will get her mind strong to fight this horrible disease. I pray to God to help me, to guide me, and to fill me with what I need to pull my mom through. I know He is working within us all, within my family. I fell asleep in my mom's and dad's bed. I slept well. I woke up this morning again in thought about what I'm going to do to help my mom. and the one connection me and my mother have that is a huge bond, is our love and passion for art. I begin to gather some basic art supplies to take to the hospital in hopes my mom would find some inspiration to draw during this difficult time. I wanted to give her some sort of outlet to get her mind off the struggle she is enduring. Basic supplies turned into her complete art collection.
I valet parked because I had so much stuff to take to her room, i was excited and anxious to show my mom. I was hoping she would be happy. I pile all the supplies onto a wheel chair provided by the valet staff. I load her pastel box, which is an oversized tackle box that measures about 2 feet x 1 foot long. on top of that, five different sized sketch pads. Her easel. you name it. It was as if I was moving in... I travel down the long long long hallways of the hospital, finally to the east elevators, into the elevator with this big pile of stuff. To the 8th floor. I push the door of her room open with the front of the wheel chair, and I find my mom sitting in bed eating breakfast. She looks up and ...... i think she was a bit in shock to see the overwhelming amount of crap I managed to drag from home into the hospital room. it wasn't the reaction I was hoping for. In fact, she did not seem happy at all for what I had done. She was overwhelmed and what came out of her mouth was what hurt the most " she's says "ginny I cannot do that right now, why did you bring all that, why did you bring so much. please ginny just take it all back". at that moment, I felt her words slice through my heart - instead of being glad or happy or appreciative, she was the opposite. She began to cry... I just looked at her and I said "you need to try. You cannot tell me you CAN'T unless you try. You would never let me give up mom. Would you? She nods her head no, " I said, well then, I'm not going to let you give up either ! ".... that was the end of that little fight. She went back to eating her breakfast and I starred out the window at the snow falling, just in tears... I didn't want her to hear me. We are all trying to be so strong around her, and when she cries, strength flies out the window.
I needed to get going for the drive back to Grand Rapids today so I started packing up the wheel chair loading all the art supplies back up. In doing so, turned to my mom one more time and I said, I'm leaving "some" art supplies. So what do you want me to leave? YOu pick it out mom. So I put her tackle box full of pastels in front of the seat she was sitting in. Put it on a plastic bucket so it was high enough she didn't have to bend down to the floor. I opened the box for her and drew it near to her feet between her knees. and then I left it there for her, and i began packing up the rest of my things. I peek back over at my mom and I see her slowly digging into her pastel box. i was so glad to see that, even if she cannot do it long, even sketching colors onto a pad would be helpful for her right now in so many ways. She loves drawing and loves her pastels- I know that once she starts something.... she will feel good. She slowly went through the entire box of pastels, picking out the colors she uses the most. Her raw umber and burnt sienna, and of course cobalt blue and ultramarine blues. Those are her favorites. I organize all of them for her, and put them near the window with her sketch pads. I turn to her and say "they are there when you are ready mom"... she just turned and looked at me with this great love. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings by rejecting the art at first. What she was telling me is " I feel weak". "I feel helpless" When she was looking at me I said to her "mom, don't give up" please. I was at the bottom of her bed, and I grasped her two legs, please just don't give up. If I was laying in that bed, you would tell me the same. You would push me, wouldn't you?" She said without hesitation, "yES". I continued to say to her, when I lost my job, you drove to grand rapids, and you drug me out of bed and told me "ginny you have to shake this off, wipe your hands off, and get moving again! You told me not to give up- you told me that I need to brush off and keep going. "Now mom I'm here to push you and tell you the same. that you CANNOT give up". We need you here. This is not your time. Not now. She looked into my eyes, my soul and said "i won't give up on you". I said "Ok" then let's do what we have to do here. And I'm going to be here with you every step of the way no matter how mad you get or how annoyed you get with me. I 'm not stopping mom. I'm not stopping. We both began to weep this long weep and I dropped down lying at her feet as she touched my hair like she did when I was a baby... after a few minutes.. i looked back up at her and said "mom as long as you fight with all your might... you fight for us, your grand children, your husband, all your family and friends...you fight with all your might, and after you do... and truly cannot fight anymore it is then that you can stop, but you cannot go without a fight. you wouldn't let us stop without at least trying. She stared at me and with this soft cracking, beautiful voice, she said again, " I wont' give up on you"........ and you know what... I know she won't.
I sit and I watch needles going into my mothers stomach. Her stomach is bruised from one side to the other as the nurses try to find a spot that is not sore. My mom is so strong its amazing to watch her strength. The shots in her stomach are insulin. The chemo and ancillary drugs she is receiving is causing side effect of her blood sugar rising to high levels. She's also getting Nupigen, another drug, which is part of the strategy in her treatment. Nupigen increases white blood cells, the hope here, the doctors say, is to draw out any hidden leukemia cells. Draw them out so that the chemo will attack them when they show their nasty faces. This is the hope. Normally Nupigen is given after the leukemia is completely gone, to stimulate the increase of white blood cells. its seems contradictory that they would want to do chemo to kill out white cells, but at the same time increase them? doesn't it? But if you think about a war - many times during a war, we do many odd things to draw out the enemy. Even if it means the possibility of danger for the surroundings. This is true with the battle within my mother's body. We want to draw out any hidden or lurking leukemia cells, while she's receiving the chemo, that way they are destroyed before they can continue further growth. I never ever wanted to know this much about the deadly disease of Cancer. But now, I have no choice but to learn to help my mom fight.
My mom is in a very emotional state. Breaking down in tears, "telling us she wants to go home", we hold her and cry with her. But today i had a moment with my mother I will never ever forget for the rest of my life. ... before I start with the story, I will tell you how yesterday ended and how the day began today.
Last night my dad arrived back at the hospital at approximately 7pm. I stayed with my mom all day from 9am until my dad arrived. Me and my mom went for a short walk, we do 1 lap around the nurses station. That's about all I can push out of her. Getting that I'm happy with though. At least I get 1 lap , and it makes me feel good that she is trying so hard for us, for herself... She's so tired, I know that even getting up to get her slippers on is a feat in itself. But she does it, I think just to pacify me, but she does.. so we walk. I hold her IV pole and she walks , slowly ... passing the nurses and smiling. We look at all the art work on the walls and comment on the one's we like and the one's we don't. We passed a calendar with a monarch butterfly on a flower, she mentioned that she liked it... we kept walking. We got near her room and I said "one more lap", she looks at me with her beautiful brown eyes, and gently nods "no, i'm done for today". i said ok, one step at a time mom". We walk into her room, I help her into her bed, and she takes a nap.
When I'm sitting there watching her sleep, I pray for her. I pray for the Lord to give her strength and to take all that she needs from me, to give her strength to fight. Listening to her breath soothes me. The most difficult part of all of this is seeing her cry.. So I try to get her mind off things by putting a movie on . nothing much on cable so I thought ok we will watch a dvd movie. Well the room we are in doesn't have a cd player this time. So I round up the host nurse, and they give us a little portable dvd player. Then my mom picks out the movie of her choice: Breakfast at Tiffany's. My mom loves that movie. So we watched it together. Shortly my dad arrives with Culver shakes :) my mom loves Culvers shakes, strawberry is her favorite. She's was like a little girl in heaven eating her shake. and my dad loves getting them for her. its so cute.
Well, my mom was getting tired and it was time for me to head back to get some rest too, so I go back to my parents that night. I find myself thinking about my mom non-stop. When i'm lying in bed, the thing I can think about is "what am I going to do tomorrow to give her more strength". What will get her mind strong to fight this horrible disease. I pray to God to help me, to guide me, and to fill me with what I need to pull my mom through. I know He is working within us all, within my family. I fell asleep in my mom's and dad's bed. I slept well. I woke up this morning again in thought about what I'm going to do to help my mom. and the one connection me and my mother have that is a huge bond, is our love and passion for art. I begin to gather some basic art supplies to take to the hospital in hopes my mom would find some inspiration to draw during this difficult time. I wanted to give her some sort of outlet to get her mind off the struggle she is enduring. Basic supplies turned into her complete art collection.
I valet parked because I had so much stuff to take to her room, i was excited and anxious to show my mom. I was hoping she would be happy. I pile all the supplies onto a wheel chair provided by the valet staff. I load her pastel box, which is an oversized tackle box that measures about 2 feet x 1 foot long. on top of that, five different sized sketch pads. Her easel. you name it. It was as if I was moving in... I travel down the long long long hallways of the hospital, finally to the east elevators, into the elevator with this big pile of stuff. To the 8th floor. I push the door of her room open with the front of the wheel chair, and I find my mom sitting in bed eating breakfast. She looks up and ...... i think she was a bit in shock to see the overwhelming amount of crap I managed to drag from home into the hospital room. it wasn't the reaction I was hoping for. In fact, she did not seem happy at all for what I had done. She was overwhelmed and what came out of her mouth was what hurt the most " she's says "ginny I cannot do that right now, why did you bring all that, why did you bring so much. please ginny just take it all back". at that moment, I felt her words slice through my heart - instead of being glad or happy or appreciative, she was the opposite. She began to cry... I just looked at her and I said "you need to try. You cannot tell me you CAN'T unless you try. You would never let me give up mom. Would you? She nods her head no, " I said, well then, I'm not going to let you give up either ! ".... that was the end of that little fight. She went back to eating her breakfast and I starred out the window at the snow falling, just in tears... I didn't want her to hear me. We are all trying to be so strong around her, and when she cries, strength flies out the window.
I needed to get going for the drive back to Grand Rapids today so I started packing up the wheel chair loading all the art supplies back up. In doing so, turned to my mom one more time and I said, I'm leaving "some" art supplies. So what do you want me to leave? YOu pick it out mom. So I put her tackle box full of pastels in front of the seat she was sitting in. Put it on a plastic bucket so it was high enough she didn't have to bend down to the floor. I opened the box for her and drew it near to her feet between her knees. and then I left it there for her, and i began packing up the rest of my things. I peek back over at my mom and I see her slowly digging into her pastel box. i was so glad to see that, even if she cannot do it long, even sketching colors onto a pad would be helpful for her right now in so many ways. She loves drawing and loves her pastels- I know that once she starts something.... she will feel good. She slowly went through the entire box of pastels, picking out the colors she uses the most. Her raw umber and burnt sienna, and of course cobalt blue and ultramarine blues. Those are her favorites. I organize all of them for her, and put them near the window with her sketch pads. I turn to her and say "they are there when you are ready mom"... she just turned and looked at me with this great love. I know she didn't mean to hurt my feelings by rejecting the art at first. What she was telling me is " I feel weak". "I feel helpless" When she was looking at me I said to her "mom, don't give up" please. I was at the bottom of her bed, and I grasped her two legs, please just don't give up. If I was laying in that bed, you would tell me the same. You would push me, wouldn't you?" She said without hesitation, "yES". I continued to say to her, when I lost my job, you drove to grand rapids, and you drug me out of bed and told me "ginny you have to shake this off, wipe your hands off, and get moving again! You told me not to give up- you told me that I need to brush off and keep going. "Now mom I'm here to push you and tell you the same. that you CANNOT give up". We need you here. This is not your time. Not now. She looked into my eyes, my soul and said "i won't give up on you". I said "Ok" then let's do what we have to do here. And I'm going to be here with you every step of the way no matter how mad you get or how annoyed you get with me. I 'm not stopping mom. I'm not stopping. We both began to weep this long weep and I dropped down lying at her feet as she touched my hair like she did when I was a baby... after a few minutes.. i looked back up at her and said "mom as long as you fight with all your might... you fight for us, your grand children, your husband, all your family and friends...you fight with all your might, and after you do... and truly cannot fight anymore it is then that you can stop, but you cannot go without a fight. you wouldn't let us stop without at least trying. She stared at me and with this soft cracking, beautiful voice, she said again, " I wont' give up on you"........ and you know what... I know she won't.
No comments:
Post a Comment